FAQs

My tween is persuading me for a phone and many other things. How do I navigate this phase?

Hello Mommy. It is natural that a child may want so many things. It’s a phase of great delight and exploration for them.  It’s also a time when they are becoming aware of their autonomy and want many more things and experiences.Yet, at times they lack the maturity to make the right decision. For parents, this is a period where their authority is being challenged and they are also afraid of being alienated from their child. Here are afew tips to navigate this period, which will extend till they are 18 years old.

This period needs to be handled with love and firmness.

• Communicate. Keep all channels open for two-way discussions.
• Reinforce boundaries firmly but gently.
• Discuss non-negotiables and keep room and openness for activities, which can be negotiated.
• Pick your battles. Choose important subjects to lock your horns rather than picking a fight over all the issues.
• Negotiate to see how your tween can have safe experiences.
• Do not punish or shame your child!

I am 55 years old and have been a widow for 15 years. There is a huge sense of loneliness as now my children have flown the nest. A friend suggested finding a partner, but I am feeling very diffident and low in confidence.  

It must have been a hard and difficult journey to have lost your partner at such a juncture and its commendable how you have steered along and ensured that your children are settled. So now it’s time to prioritise the self for sure. Glad to see you thinking and considering a companion.

There are many good websites that assist in the same. But before you take this step, take time out to connect to yourself and seek who you are, what are your likes and dislikes and what are the values you resonate. Tap into your strengths and your gifts. See if you would like to hone and amplify them. This will build confidence. Understanding oneself and knowing who we are, gives clarity and helps us make objective decisions.

It will probably be stepping out of the comfort zone, but a companion / partner with whom you can align and share interests can make life much more meaningful.

I am a new mother to a two month old and am resuming work after the maternity break due to financial demands. It was very difficult for me to even think about leaving my child for long hours and still perform at work. Somehow, I have convinced myself to return to work but am getting cold feet about how I will manage to work, still be fully with my baby and also find some ‘me’ time. Honestly, even the thought of being away from the baby is bringing forth a huge amount of guilt. What can I do? I feel like a mess. – Sussana, 30 years

Dear Sussana! It is understandable for you to feel exhausted and divided in such circumstances, as life changes significantly after having a baby. The schedule of a new mother is not an easy one at all with constant diaper changes, clean ups, feeding sessions along with your own postpartum recovery. So, it is important for you to create a schedule that will support you and your baby fully. Try thinking of the suggestions given below:

• First, acknowledge that any change is difficult to handle. So, I suggest you start with identifying, acknowledging and trying your best to accept your emotions as you feel them viz. fear, apprehension, being overwhelmed and guilt. Often, when we hold space for ourselves, the mind works better to find ways and means to cope with the situation.
• Next, communicate your needs to your employer honestly and perhaps consider beginning on a part-time basis.
• Create a baby-care plan. Reach for help from close ones to look after the baby in your absence. Check if your organisation provides a day care facility, alternately hire a professional nanny, or take help from your partner or grandparent. Knowing that your child is in reliable hands will help you focus on your work better.
• Make sure that you are committing to what you can manage at work and home. If you take up more than what’s possible, and if you are somehow unable to fulfil it then that can add to your underlying guilt. So, don’t over commit.
• Finally, finding time may not happen. So, in small ways try to ‘make time’ for yourself. Start with simple things like eating a nourishing fruit first thing in the morning as part of self-care, doing simple breathing exercises on the count of 0-5 for minimum 5 minutes between your work breaks, keep a small pocket-diary handy and journal your thoughts as you go along the day.

Remember that adequate planning, self-support and being pragmatic towards your needs should help you smoothen the curves that you may experience in the beginning as a new parent.

I have been married for almost 20 years and have two children. Recently, to my utter shock I found that my wife has been having an affair for the last two years with her office colleague, who is also a woman. I am very heartbroken to find that my wife has cheated on me and I am even more horrified to know that she is involved with another woman. I am in a dilemma about how to confront her, as I fear that she will leave me and our family will be broken. What should I do?  – Aniruddh, 48 years

Dear Aniruddh! The recent developments in your marriage must have been quite challenging and difficult for you to come to terms with. It is very natural and understandable for you to feel let down and hurt. Hence, it is suggested that you first sit down with your own thoughts and emotions about how they are impacting you. Some questions to start exploring could be:

• What are my current thoughts about my relationship with my wife?
• What seems to have hurt or troubled me the most?
• Which aspect has been creating more distress for me?

You need to identify and address what has been distressing you more – the infidelity or that your wife is involved in a same-sex relationship. Once you are able to identify this then you have a conversation with your partner about it. Pitch the conversation with as much calmness and cohesiveness as possible, as it will be for the better of all involved. Remember, that for any relationship to circumvent through its different stages it is important that it’s based on mutual trust, transparency, communication and respect. Further, the diverse aspects of children, family and other dynamics will then be required to be looked into. If managing these concerns seem challenging it may be a good idea to seek support and intervention from a professional counsellor to handle the situation as amicably as possible. Hope this helps you Aniruddh!

I am a 15-year-old girl in a boy’s body! I am so confused, scared, disgusted or can say even ashamed to even voice this thought as I know that my family will be devastated. But I can’t help it and want to stand up and assert myself to my family. I want to share my truth yet am fearful and wary of their response. Mostly, I don’t want to hurt them or be distanced from them in any way. What should I do? – Sulakshana, 15 years

You seem to be experiencing some amount of confusion and turmoil of emotions, dear Sulakshana. However, it is important to know that you have fair amount of clarity and understanding of yourself and your needs! To begin with a good idea would be to try and locate a family member or a relative who can be trusted and can be understanding towards you. Try to strike a conversation about your needs and see if you can express yourself to gain some support. Gradually, once you feel a little settled and supported you can think of taking the person’s help and speaking to your family. This will help alleviate some pressure off and may bring some clarity about your family’s perspective.

If you find some support you can move further into building and gathering authentic knowledge and helpful information as much as possible to understand your own self, explore your personal preferences and your sexual identity. Doing this will raise significant self-awareness and also help you with clarifying any amount of ambiguity, confusion and possible turmoil. Sulakshana, it is going to be a journey, which will require your patience, strength, courage and curiosity but will be a worthwhile effort. You can support this journey by exploring reliable support groups and clubs who can help you feel connected and supported. Similarly, you can even work consistently under therapy with a LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Counsellor who can scientifically yet compassionately support you through the various stages of this journey. Last but not the least, it is important that you take a stand and let it not stop you from fulfilling your dreams and wishes.

Hello, I am Janice (she/her) and am making this effort to reach out with a lot of apprehension and perhaps a little fear. But I need some help. I have been in an arranged yet happy marriage for the last four years with my partner who identifies himself as a bisexual. We both hold each other in high esteem and share a very healthy communication pattern. I have accepted my husband’s sexual preferences and have hardly ever complained about his other relationship. However, of late he has been frequently talking about having a baby. This has made me worried and unsure if I want to have a baby or not. I am conflicted about what I should do about this and if his sexual identity has got anything to do with his perspective about children.– Janice

Dear Janice, it is evident that you and your partner share a fair amount of mutual respect, communication, acceptance, and hold a comfortable space for each other in the relationship. Perhaps you can start by exploring your own thoughts and emotions regarding the current stage of your relationship. Try and figure out where your personal inhibitions or blocks may be stemming from, making you unsure about having a child. Try to use the openness that you share with your husband, to have a clear, heartfelt and transparent conversation with as much neutrality as possible.

Similarly, as a partner explore this question: “Do you find your partner trusting, communicative, supportive and available in the relationship?” If the answer is ‘Yes’, then visualise if he will be the same as a father. If the answer is ‘Yes’ again then perhaps you need to identify your personal hitches about the issue. However, if the answer is ‘No’ in either of the threads then perhaps you need to reflect deeply upon the quality of your relationship with your partner in terms of authenticity, transparency and trust.

Janice, to make a relationship work and feel fulfilled, it is important that both the partners are mutually connected, authentic and responsible towards each other. Similarly, to be a good parent, it is important that the person is fully involved, present as well as responsible. These essentials are a part of someone’s personality and are absolutely independent from any person’s sexual identity. Hence, rest assured that your partner’s sexual identity has got nothing to do with him being a good parent. Hence, please try to create a neutral, non-judgemental and explorative conversation with your husband to see where his need to have a child is stemming from. Go within and resolve your personal doubt and accordingly bring up the discussion with your husband.

Hello! I am in a senior position at a content writing start-up company and have been working very hard and superbly at my job for the last three years. However, of late, I tend to space out between meetings and have been feeling really tired to even get to work sometimes. I have noticed that I mentally switch off, sometimes daydream or just don’t show up for critical discussions and often cannot concentrate while completing my own tasks. As a team leader I am supposed to motivate my team members but am struggling myself with spearheading ideas and generating enough talent pool. Should I quit my job as I sometimes dread going to work? Am I burning out?  So soon? I am only 29 and want to achieve so much more in life. What’s happening to me?– Jayvardhan, 29 years

Dear Jayvardhan, it seems that you have been working very hard and consistently for the last couple of years. Sometimes when one keeps dealing with challenging deadlines, one finds it difficult to create sufficient downtime as well as handle persistent pressure. It’s possible then to experience significant stress.

However, there is a difference between stress and burnout. So, although leaving a job per say can be an option, yet there can be many other alternatives that you may want to explore first. By definition, burnout is a prolonged period of stress, which feels as if it cannot be amended. If stress is short-lived or tied to a specific goal, it is most likely to be not harmful.

However, if the stress feels never-ending and is accompanied by feelings of hopelessness, gloom, apathy and/or emptiness then it could be a sign of burnout.

To begin with Jayvardhan, try to sit down and introspect where the possible sources of tiredness and fatigue may be coming from? Are you feeling connected to the work that you are performing or has there been a disconnect lately? Have you taken adequate breaks, time-offs for yourself? If any of these may have been impacted, it can become challenging to wind down or even sometimes mentally switch off, which is highly important for personal and professional efficacy. Further, try to introspect whether there has been any sudden change either in your personal or professional space that has been hard to handle. Check for any continued difficulties or responsibilities you may have been feeling stressed about in areas such as ongoing health issues, personal relationships, home/work roles, parenting or so on. Identifying these aspects will help you to spot the source of any of the contributing factors and most importantly help you to gain some degree of clarity and control over the situation.

You may also need to think about whether there has been any significant and sometimes unacceptable change at the workplace?

Introspecting upon what variables at work can you control, change or tasks that you can delegate may possibly help you to reduce some load off your shoulders, if that may be causing you any worry or distress.

Finally, you may want to sit down and create more time for pursuing your hobbies, activities that bring you joy apart from work, spending time in nature, learning a new skill and/or reassessing your life goals can be strongly suggested before addressing the issue of leaving your job. If any of these interventions start making a shift then you can persist at maintaining your personal space and work motivation.

However, if you feel that none of these are helping directly or indirectly then you can consider taking some professional, therapeutic intervention and address any long-standing issues that may have gone unnoticed so far.

Wishing you deeper clarity and speedier support to navigate through this phase of your life. You are young and have ample time and alternatives to handle this situation. So try to stay focussed on identifying and providing yourself with the appropriate and necessary assistance.  All the very best Jayvardhan!