Life club of parenting

Life club of parenting

Being reflective and consistent parents can help make this journey an enjoyable one for you and your children/child

Namrata Gupta

Parents often come in with issues and more issues about what’s not happening, what their children are doing that’s wrong or how they are not adhering to rules and schedules set in the house. Tempers fly high and one argument leads to another, patience that has run low, cycles of blame and shaming, which have become tools to conquer over arguments and win over control. 

Contacting a professional comes at a point when all of this warfare has happened several times over and either of the parties has thrown in the towel.  

Parenting is not one easy single step. It is multiple tiny little steps each day, every day. 

Working with children, more so the emotional and behavioural concerns more often than not entails working with their parents.

Let’s look at parenting as a life time membership, once membership is taken you’ve got to stay along the path, learn along with your child and a community. You’ve got to stay the way taking each day and every experience as it comes. 

Feeling helpless with the need to correct your child, focussing on what needs to change, or what’s going wrong is a very limiting way of living the days of your parenting lifetime membership. I know, I know you’d say it’s not easy, well I know it is not. But, only focussing on what’s not working is also no way to be, walking around angry with your kids, always rushing to correct them or having a very short fuse at the slightest of their error is also no way to be.  

Time trap

Often I hear parents lamenting about their own childhood, way their parents brought them up and they turned out just fine, despite all the beating and criticality whatsoever. And then in the same breath they compare themselves with their own parents and how much and what all they may be already doing for their children different or much more than what was allowed and provided to them. Ask yourself if by doing this you are living in the moment, which is now (the one you are sharing with your children) or the one that was history and is in your memory. 

Parents’ own upbringing shapes and determines the kind of parents they predominantly become. Instead of being in the present and connecting with our children we end up unconsciously living in the stories of our childhood. Going over and over what was. 

Parenting is not one easy single step. It is multiple small steps each day, every day. 

Being impatient, hasty or trying to cover up one’s own limitation, or unable to see the gift the present holds only means giving more power to parts that don’t serve us anymore. What we can or cannot do in the moment determines the future course. 

Making a choice in this moment of ‘now’ is important to see as a greatly empowering step in a different direction, direction of unfolding a different tomorrow in which you are living attuned with your child and your own emotional and physical needs closely matching the current realities. 

Children learn by observing in the most natural ways, modelling the behaviour of those around. Like I said, parenting is not a temporary membership. It’s here to stay, there are no shortcuts. To see changes outside of you, you need to first turn inwards. 

Parent’s parents

In the present times, when adults in their mid-30s and 40s are struggling to have a firmer base for their lives, living different roles within their families, relative to a generation 30 to 40 years ago in the same age group, dealing with pressures to be available for their families, keeping up with social and professional demands is a hard task. In the mix is having to be a child to your own parents and then also depending on them in many ways that was unknown before is a jarring experience. 

The complex lives that we are living today involves elderly parents still holding the fort when it comes to supporting their grown up married children and unmarried children in both emotional and economical ways. Fear and insecurities take over, adding to the chaos and the demand of these rapidly changing times. 

Observing shifts in the collective conscious brings in hope of better relational ties in the future to come, provided we all choose to do the work and not continue living relationally. 

Relational bonds between parents and child are pivotal to both physical and psychological safety, security and well-being of any child. 

Parenting forms a base for the child’s independence and an optimal ground for growth.

Scientific understanding of Psychology and Neurosciences is robust to back how our relationship with ourselves shapes our relationships with those close to us and our surroundings. 

Pick your style

Your parenting style will design and determine your and your child’s relationship, set the tone for many years of bonding time, your relationship with your partner and the family unit. 

Epigenetics has also proven that we carry our past in our nervous systems and these bodies we live in, keeps it alive. Choosing to work through your emotions as parents is the greatest gift you can bring into your child’s life. 

The greatest gift you can give your child is the gift of your emotionally healthy presence around them, that which is engaged, consistent, based on mutual empathy and evolving communication. 

Walking the talk

  • Being attuned to your own needs both physically and emotionally at any given time is vital to connect with your child’s needs. 
  • Connecting, by first listening to what your child is expressing, is important before justifying. 
  • Practicing being calm while addressing simpler concerns will prepare you to remain calm in tricky and heated situations.
  • Comparison defeats joy, instead practice being mindful.
  • In a low moment with your partner, parents or children disengage, and re-engage only when you and other people involved are truly available in the most compassionate way possible for one another. 
  • Intergenerational patterns can begin to change when you choose to continuously show up for yourself, take support and assistance whenever it’s needed. 
  • Many reliable and accredited resources are now available online. So reach out to community of professionals and parental groups for timely support.
  • We carry our past in our own nervous systems and bodies. Choosing to work through your emotions as parents is the greatest gift you can bring into your child’s life.  
  • Practices of mindfulness are emotionally regulating, which can also be done together, as activities with your children.
  • Collaborate with your child, reflect on what is developmentally appropriate for your child, bring in awareness towards daily activities by modelling desired change.