Written By Seema Kumar
What does it take to stop and listen to oneself, to process the range of emotions, to learn and unlearn? Just a journey to oneself. The paths are many, but the destination is you.
I am an only child of parents who had an extremely difficult marriage. My father, a highly intelligent and well-read person, was an alcoholic. While he mentored many a career and lives, his own life – family life – was a mess. Ironic, right! So as a child I tended to ignore the bad and only focus on the good. I was the proverbial pigeon – closing my eyes to the cat. And when the cat actually pounced, I would wonder how the cat saw me. And then I would begin to wonder if everything that was going wrong with my parents was my fault. Because if I was not there perhaps my mother could have taken a decision to leave the marriage, and more.
I was around 12 when my mother left the house with me. Although I was with my mother it felt as though we had been abandoned on a lonely road. Around this time my mother met with an accident while on her way home. And we came to know when the hospital called the landline of our landlord to inform about the accident. Our landlord, an extremely gentle man, went with his wife to the hospital to bring my mother home. I missed my father! For all you know he may have been in no position to bring her home, he could have been lying drunk somewhere, yet I missed him. And in my innocence, I said as much to my mother, who burst into tears of sadness, frustration and anger. Then, the child in me didn’t understand her feelings, today I do!
I went silent after her outburst. That perhaps was the beginning of my internalising my feelings and also introspecting them. At age 12 I actually quietly sat with my thoughts. The next day I began to put my thoughts on paper. A diary that I always kept with me. I didn’t need to because my mother never ever intruded into that space of mine. She taught me the value of privacy, which she herself followed. And my thoughts remained mine!
Introspection! According to the Oxford Dictionary, it is ‘the examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes’. It is a great thing to do. Especially if you want to figure out your actions, feelings and emotions that have hurt you or others. It is a great way to self-awareness and self-improvement. Many do it as a natural process and many do it occasionally. The truth is introspection helps uncover our own layers. We travel within ourselves to figure things out.
Travelling within
Travelling within yourself is a good way to untangle thoughts and feelings. Some, like me, do it by writing, some sit in a quiet corner and think, some do breathing exercises or meditate to find answers or go for therapy. There is no one way to do it but each person finds a way to travel within, as per their comfort level. And that is what is important.
What I have also realised when I travel within is that you ask yourself the tough questions that you would never want to hear from others. Those tough questions may rattle you, shake you to the core but then you do find the answer for it yourself too.
Pen and paper to the rescue
I began writing a diary, as I shared earlier, when I was in school. I wrote it then because that was my way of introspection. While I wrote about what I went through every day – my daily routine – I also wrote about my daily emotional tangle. That was my way of introspection. It gave me clarity of thought, made me realise if I was wrong or was wronged. More importantly it helped me move on. Even today, when I write I find myself with clarity of thought. I find myself being able to sort and sift through the tangle and find solutions.
When you are introspecting, writing down your feelings – what you are feeling at that moment – is a good idea. When you put it down on paper it becomes easy to figure out how and where it is affecting your body, what was the reason for you to be feeling the way you did, that is, any event or situation that caused it.
Writing uses both the right and left side of your brain thereby helping you to put things out more clearly.
Over time, you will notice patterns of your thoughts. Go back and read what you have written, and you may find yourself learning something about yourself. Do remember though, if at any point during introspection you feel stressed, it is in your hands to step back and quieten your thoughts. Give it a rest. You can always go back when you are feeling a little better.
Travelling to another place
Some years ago, in the 1990s to be precise, when I worked with a national daily, someone we knew came to us with an article she had written on a solo travel she had embarked on. She wanted it published in the magazine. We could not believe that she had actually travelled alone and come back feeling like a new person with a fresh perspective on life and relationships. She was going through a rough patch personally and this solo trip where she was all alone with her thoughts gave her the time to introspect. I do not know if her rough patch ended soon after, but I do know that she came back with a better perspective about her own feelings, which helped her deal with the patch better.
Have you ever realised that sometimes you need to get out of a familiar space to be able to analyse things better? And travel, physical travel that is, also gives you the space and the time to travel within. Whether you travel alone or with people.
The last few years were tough on us at home as we were caregivers for an elderly parent who we could see deteriorating in front of our eyes. Not something you wish to witness. But then there is no running away from it. After we lost the person a few months ago we went through the usual guilt and angst of ‘did we do enough’. That’s when we decided we needed to remove ourselves from the familiar surroundings where memories just kept crowding in. So, we decided to take a trip out of the city with friends.
They were fun-filled days, loaded with laughter and joy. It took me some time – the first day perhaps – to adjust to the fact that I don’t have to call home to check on the well-being of the parent. It was like a pain in the gut, but we realised, now that’s what it is. And we need to move on. Five days later we came back – happy campers all of us. The home and surroundings brought back memories, but they felt a little better!
Do whatever it takes to get your mind off your issues, anything that is relaxing to you – it could be just dancing, listening to music or even reading two pages of a book. So go ahead and do that.
Lessons from Covid
Covid brought out the worst in some of us especially as far as emotions were concerned. And especially for those who lost their near and dear ones to Covid. For many there has been no closure. Because we never got to see the people we lost or give them a proper farewell. While Covid took a toll on the mental health of many it also gave many a lot of time to introspect. If the quiet and silence of Covid felt good, it also felt scary because we were not sure if normalcy would return. But the quiet and silence gave us a lot of time to sit back and sift through our thoughts.
My relationship with my mother was always bitter-sweet. We loved each other but I felt burdened by her expectations of me. We had our arguments, with me always giving in to maintain peace and that never went down well with me. Because it affected my relationship with my husband and daughter. And that affected my mind. But during Covid we were all stuck in the house with no outside influences, so suddenly there was peace and quiet at home.
I actually don’t think I have ever had the kind of peace and happiness in my relationship with my mother that I had with her during that time. We did argue but they were so minor that they didn’t matter. Stuck within four walls, arguments and fights would have been inevitable but they were actually not. I think both of us became more tolerant and understanding towards each other. And all because we got time with our thoughts and began to sift through the right and the wrong. In fact, we ended up talking about our life so much that a lot of things got clarity for both of us!
This and that
Besides writing my feelings, my way of dealing with emotional upheavals used to be reading a book and losing myself in the characters in the book or just sitting quietly in a corner of the house and thinking it through.
Sometimes it would involve some crying, sometimes just thinking but in the end, I would come away with a little clarity of thought. Believe me, crying helps. It releases stress hormones and calms you down. They are correct when they say, “go ahead, have a good cry, it will make you feel better.”
Like I said earlier, everyone finds their own space to travel within, to introspect. Some write, some meditate, some travel but the outcome of all is the same – clarity of thought, self-awareness, which in turn means self-growth, improving relationships, regulating your emotions, building coping skills, and learning to solve problems sometimes creatively.
I always find myself introspecting when my mind has calmed down. When your mind is in turmoil your thoughts also lack clarity because you are in an emotionally fragile state. Let some time pass. Go for a walk or involve yourself in some activity before you actually sit down to introspect. That’s when you can look at things from all angles.
A very dear friend always told me ‘be kind to yourself’. And I do believe that because introspection helps you become self-aware, it also helps you look at yourself kindly. Being kind to yourself is where you begin. After all, Aristotle did say, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” So, travel within and know yourself!