By Gunjan Pant Pande
“Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing,” the ox admitted quietly.
The boy nodded. “So do I. Maybe that’s just a sign that we’re alive.”
Lines from one of my all-time favourite books The OxHerd Boy. A simple dialogue between the ox and the boy. To me though, it transmuted into an internal dialogue with myself as I started on my path to self-discovery, self-care and finally self-worth.
Shifting my energy involved a three-step process:
- Awareness – self assessment through reflection: Basically, discovering how I feel. It is said that the human mind is the most complex yet most delicate tool that defines how one behaves. Understanding what holds us back thus sets us on the path to greater accountability and fulfilment in life. Seneca, however insists on ‘true self-estimate’ that involves judging ourselves honestly. It is when you “stay present, observe your thought patterns and emotions without judgement and choose intentional responses.”
- Discovery – what makes you feel powerful: Identify the energy influencers (food, exercise, people, nature, sunlight, music, prayer, ocean, rain, birds, creativity.)
- Expansion: The act on expanding the glimmers and releasing what dims your energy.
This energy shift triggered an attitudinal shift in me towards self-care which broadly means:
Being selfish: You are first your very own caregiver and there’s no guilt tripping you on that. Putting your needs first is usually the very crucial first step to self-care and it is not something to be ashamed of! Occupational therapists advise incorporating “small self-care hacks gradually into your daily routine to counter emotional and physical burnout.” Be it reading a book while sipping your favourite brew or taking a walk in nature. Or just an extended exhale! The little things matter.
For some it may mean a break from people pleasing. Challenge your inner critic for once. Giving yourself permission to – “put your needs first, take your space, be you and outgrow people.” My personal self-care bucket list has the ‘daily countdown’ at number one. It goes something like this:
- 9,000 steps
- 8 hours of sleep
- 7 glasses of water
- 6 minutes of meditation
- 5 servings of fruit
- 4 healthy breaks
- 3 meals per day
- 2 hours without the phone
- 1 hour of walking
Learning to say NO: Even if that is the most difficult conversation with the self. Unlock the happiness spiral. Journal your thoughts if things get overwhelming once in a while.
According to bestselling author Ryan Holiday, “one of the hardest things to do in life is to say No. To invitations, to requests, to obligations, to the stuff that everyone else is doing.” Even harder, he says, to time-consuming emotions – anger, excitement, distraction, obsession, lust. The very first ‘NO’ sets you up to stretch your body and look at the rising sun, read a book and journal your thoughts, declutter and breathe in the live energies of an open space.
Embracing silence: “In the depth of silence you find your true voice,” said Rumi. Embrace that peace to load up on the happy calming hormones. Me-time is sacred when the silence speaks to the soul. Psychologists today insist on how humans aren’t supposed to ‘do and think’ all the time. Take a break. Listen to your body, appreciate its journey. Focus on what you love about yourself.
Proponents of the peace philosophy even suggest formally scheduling a ‘worry time’. We’re all human after all. Set aside a time to worry – “but after that time slot is spent you are not allowed to give a damn about your worries.” There’s so much depth in the simple acts.
What made self-care even more effective in my case was chasing it mindfully one small step at a time. Defined as ‘active meditation’ that triggers new perspectives to see things and situations, mindfulness was a hop-skip-jump from unplugging to feeling to finally letting go.
The unplugging: In other words, embracing the slow life. In fact, escapism in measured doses is a scientifically proven coping mechanism from the pressures of life. Psychology defines ‘positive escapism’ as a refueling tool vital to balance work and well-being. So go on, press that pause-button every now and then to exit the emotional boiler. Just inhale-exhale and process all the built-up emotions. Let your mind centre but focus on nothing in particular. Close your eyes and listen to yourself breathe or just feel the cool ground beneath your feet, this simple act instantly clears all mental fog.
The feeling: Sense the senses! See. Hear. Taste. Touch. Smell. Do that meditative body scan. Tap into your senses one deep breath at a time to get in tune with your environment. Take time to process your emotions effectively. Focus on what matters to you. Take that ‘who am I’ quiz – your likes, dreams, weaknesses, values, vulnerabilities, fears – no filter. Do the senses drill by deliberately bringing all your attention within. Which, by the way does not mean you’ve to be ‘happy or positive’ all the time. That’s another very interesting aspect of ‘honest feeling the feels’. Normalise being sad, unsure, fearful, upset and not-put-together from time to time. Draw the line, however, from getting consumed by such thoughts. Don’t make yourself the sum total of this. The eventual mindset shift is to let go of self-doubt too.
The letting go: Free yourself of all that slaves you – from your smart phone and social media validation to your relationships and the imposter syndrome. De-clutter your spaces both mental and physical. Let go of limitations of any kind. Pat yourself on the back every inch forward in that direction. Be your own biggest cheerleader. Reward yourself for every milestone reached on this journey of mindfulness. Such positive associations make the attitudinal change a pleasurable process.
Philosophers swear by the three essential principles applicable here: “control your perception, direct your actions properly and willingly accept what’s outside your control” to simplify decision making in everyday life. Recognise that there are some things just out of your control and that’s okay – Shikata ga nai!
From a practical ‘to-do’ list we gradually move to a more thoughtful ‘to-be’ list of self-compassion with greater awareness of our reactions. This growth minded embracing of the self with a willingness to change is that tectonic shift to experiencing the here and now fully.
This is when we finally chose to move past the resistance paradox – “fear disappears only if we go through the resistance. We need to take the required action to make things happen. When we face the fire, the fire can be doused.”
Go ahead – face the fire – set boundaries, embrace failures as lessons, be a work in progress, chase growth, let go of self-doubt and most important, be KIND to yourself! Cultivate what author Robert Greene calls the Expansive Attitude – “characterised by a positive, open, and optimistic outlook, viewing life with a sense of wonder and potential. It involves a belief in the abundance of opportunities and a willingness to embrace new experiences and possibilities.”
Atomic Habits revolutionised the age-old wisdom of how “first we make our habits, then our habits make us,” and even though good habits take time, once you master the art of habit-tracking you align yourself to success “that is after all an aggregate of small (daily) wins.” Dear TMD reader, the fact that you are here – taking out precious time, reading this article, mental mapping points that resonate – is that small win already! Pat yourself on the back already for your path has already found you….