Sibling fights? More than just squabbles! Learn how to prevent resentment and build lasting bonds between your kids. Read “Parenting for Better Mental Health: The Sibling Rivalry.”
Chandrashekhar Ojha
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Sibling rivalry – it’s more than just harmless bickering. This article dives deep into the causes and consequences of sibling conflict, offering valuable insights for parents. Learn how to prevent resentment, foster healthy competition, and create a foundation for lifelong bonds between your children.
It’s very common for siblings to fight with each other. We all have witnessed many such fights, in our own family or when we visit relatives and friends. These fights could be divided into two categories. The most common is the friendly banter between siblings, where one moment they would fight with each other and the next moment they are hugging each other and sharing goodies. I have witnessed this one in my family too; my daughter used to come with complaints against her brother but at the same time would get upset if he was scolded for it. They are still good friends and hopefully will remain the same way forever.
We all have witnessed such sweet moments shared by the siblings. It is the other type, that we are dedicating this article to. In a few cases, the fight between siblings has nothing ‘friendly about it. These fights between siblings are very frequent, very bitter and full of violence, both verbal and physical. Parents feel embarrassed about these fights and try to either ignore them or write them off as ‘just a phase’ or growing-up issues. Such fights or animosity between siblings is called ‘sibling rivalry’ and is a big cause of concern. Parents, unfortunately, have many major misconceptions about sibling rivalry, like These fights are innocent childhood activities and not very serious affairs to worry about. This is not true. Sibling rivalry is a serious parenting issue and the fights are not at all innocent, as they are with the intention of harming the siblings. Many children have sustained serious injuries at the hands of their siblings and though they are never reported formally, there have been suspected cases of fatal injuries as well the increasing exposure to violent video content and virtual games has already exposed children to thousands of ways to ‘eliminate.
This is a growing-up phenomenon and with time the siblings would become good friends.
This is the hope parents latch on to, but unfortunately, sibling rivalry is not like acne. It is a psychological issue with deep-rooted animosity and hatred for the sibling, which is a lifelong phenomenon. However, when the children are grown up, sometimes they get separated physically/emotionally and hence the day-to-day aberrations are not witnessed, but deep within, the feeling remains and flares up at the first opportunity.
If they are living together or close to each other or have a joint interest in the business or property, they will continue to fight with each other. We all have witnessed pointless fights between siblings for very trivial reasons that baffle us. This all could be attributed to the latent effects of sibling rivalry. The shocking murder cases of the liquor king Ponty Chaddha and BJP leader Pramod Mahajan could be related to some deep-set differences between the siblings. I personally feel that the effects of sibling rivalry haunt siblings throughout their lives. The only difference could be the way they fight, physically and verbally on the streets or in the courts of law.
Depicting feelings through art
Sibling rivalry not only destroys a child’s childhood but scars their entire life and causes lots of pain to parents. Art is a wonderful tool for identifying most social and psychological issues and ills, including sibling rivalry. One of my friends, Late Shri Sham Kodilkar, was an art teacher by training and profession. An interesting drawing by one of his students diverted him to a new field called Art Psycho-Therapy. He diagnosed many issues among children and helped them manage the same through art. Once a child in his class, post the devastating tsunami in India and Sri Lanka, expressed the desire to draw one of his friends, who had lost his entire family due to the catastrophe while vacationing in Sri Lanka. The teacher was happy as the child was trying something innovative and encouraged him. He did a quick sketch with a marker (left) and submitted it to the teacher.
Looking at the drawing the teacher was aghast as to how someone who has lost his entire family can rejoice. He tried to ask the child but the child was evasive and didn’t offer any convincing answer. After a few months, the teacher asked the child to draw a painting on the same theme. Happily. he drew a beautiful painting (right) and gave it to the teacher. The teacher appreciated the work and requested him to explain it. He explained the painting by saying that the elder brother (in a pink shirt, black shorts and interestingly. with flippers or swimming fins on is asking the fish to eat his younger brother a smaller figure in a green dress, further down the right corner) so that he can enjoy the coke (on the table in the left corner) all by himself. The teacher appreciated the child and requested his parents to meet him. He talked to them about their family and learnt that there was a younger child in the family. He advised the parents to take care of their safety and behaviour with each other. I don’t know what happened to the siblings later in life, but just hope that they are living their respective lives peacefully.
This is just their bad luck or karma that their children are having such an issue.
This is the worst misconception about sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry could be a result of some commissions and omissions in parenting. Nowadays, most couples adopt a single-child policy, which does nip the possibilities of sibling rivalry in the bud, but it has its pros and cons. The prime cause of sibling rivalry could be because the second child arrives in the family soon after the first one, without mentally and emotionally preparing the older one. When the second child is born, all things, which so far belonged to the elder one, are passed on to the younger one. Not only this, all the love and attention that the elder one was commanding so far, also gets diverted to the new member of the family. For the elder one, it is like the loss of everything, making the child insecure. When no one in the family empathises and offers any help or support to the older child, instead exhorts the child to love and adore the sibling, they develop strong unpleasant emotions like anger or even hate towards the younger sibling.
It would be better if parents plan the second child with a proper gap between children so that the older one is almost independent and you are free to take good care of the second one. With the right approach, the older child can be made to accept the younger sibling and become a giver of love, care and materialistic things rather than feeling insecure. The feeling of insecurity is the root cause of development of the negative emotions.
When the parents load unfair and unreasonable expectations on children about their younger or elder siblings, which they find unacceptable. And since no one listens or understands their feelings, they feel rebellious and form negative opinions about the sibling and also the family. It is the same in both cases when the older one is expected to love, care, guide, and protect the younger one or when the younger one is expected to respect, follow, and obey the elder one. It will be better to create a feeling of mutual dependence among the siblings rather than thrusting responsibilities on unwilling siblings. The parents need to play the role of catalysts and make sure that each sibling gets their due. Comparison between the siblings could be another reason. They are different people and bound to have different personalities with strengths and weaknesses of their own. When parents compare them, it doesn’t help. Rather it causes jealousy and anger.
Parents must appreciate that each child is unique and hence constant comparison with one another creates bad vibes and unpleasant emotions.
If we recognise and respect children’s respective strengths, while working with them on their weaknesses, we will be able to create ‘centres of excellence’ among siblings. Thus, they will be able to respect each other and seek support in case of need, strengthening mutual respect, dependency and love. Hopefully, these measures will help the parents to ensure that their children are not only healthy and sound, physically and mentally but are also mutually appreciative, helpful and supportive towards each other. It is said that there is no friend like a sibling and no enemy like a sibling. It depends on how they are raised!
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