Veenu Singh
Journalist-turned-bestselling author, screenwriter and speaker, Meghna Pant ranks as one of India’s best writers today. After spending the first few years of her career as a business journalist and editor where she interviewed people like President Obama, Mukesh Ambani, Sir Richard Branson, Hillary Clinton, Ratan Tata and Shah Rukh Khan, among others, Pant decided to focus on being a full-time writer in 2013.
Her debut novel One and a Half Wife won her the Muse India Young Writer Award, and today, Meghna has as many as eight published books to critical and commercial acclaim and has been felicitated with several awards for her contribution to literature, gender issues and journalism.
Besides this, Meghna is a vociferous feminist and a strong advocate of gender equality too. A TEDx speaker, she has spoken out against domestic violence in her talks too after walking out of an abusive marriage and facing depression herself.
Meghna talks about the importance of mental health and a family’s role in the same in this interview with The Mind Diaries.
How important is it to talk about mental health issues?
We can see all around us that the pandemic exacerbated existing mental health challenges and introduced new stressors. It has altered power dynamics, increasing stress levels, financial strains, and uncertainties about the future. Talking about mental health issues in a family environment through open dialogue is therefore more crucial than ever.
By addressing mental health issues openly, families can reduce stigma, increase awareness, and promote early intervention, which is vital for recovery. This also fosters a supportive and understanding atmosphere where individuals feel safe to express their feelings and seek help if needed.
Moreover, families play a crucial role in providing emotional support and coping strategies for each other. By discussing mental health, family members can share their experiences, provide reassurance, and offer practical assistance, creating a sense of solidarity and belonging.
Once you accept and acknowledge such issues, how does it affect various levels of relationship?
Once individuals accept and acknowledge mental health issues, it profoundly impacts various levels of relationships, from personal to familial and beyond. At the personal level, acceptance fosters self-awareness and self-compassion. It allows individuals to prioritise their mental well-being, leading to healthier coping mechanisms and improved overall functioning.
Within the family unit, acceptance of mental health issues promotes empathy, understanding, and support. Family members can offer validation and assistance, creating a nurturing environment for the individual facing challenges. Open communication about mental health strengthens bonds, fostering trust and resilience within the family dynamic.
On a broader societal level, acknowledging mental health issues reduces stigma and discrimination.
However, acceptance may also bring challenges as individuals navigate their journey towards healing. It requires patience, flexibility, and ongoing communication to address the impact of mental health issues on relationships. Nevertheless, by embracing acceptance, relationships can evolve into spaces of understanding, growth, and mutual support, fostering a more compassionate and resilient society overall.
Do you have any personal anecdotes or stories to share on how your own mental health was affected and what you did to come out of it?
When the lockdown began, I had a 1.5-month-old baby and a 2.5-year-old toddler, without any nanny. The first month was awful. We were all dealing with a new reality, a new normal and a new way of living. Amidst juggling a post-partum body, sleepless nights, breastfeeding, keeping my toddler engaged, running a nuclear family home, being caged indoors and keeping my family safe, I was completely overwhelmed. I could feel myself slipping into depression.
Who or what helped you to get out of that situation?
I knew that if I fell apart during the pandemic, my children would, my family would. So, I did four things. First, I stopped letting my mind succumb to fear. I stopped reading the news. I barely opened my Twitter account. I didn’t read WhatsApp messages. I left a lot of groups I had been added to so there was no spillover of the fear-mongering rampant back then. I focussed on the ‘what-now’ of the present, instead of the ‘what-if’ of the future. Second, I set-up a schedule for my life, keeping my daughters as the priority. Every hour was earmarked and planned, putting our life in order. I was, therefore able to breastfeed (for two years), manage the house, wash the utensils, organise things, and even write! I even released two books – one in 2021 and one in 2022.
Thanks to lack of social commitments, my productivity actually shot up because I was organised! Third, I acknowledged that I cannot do everything. Fortunately, my parents live in my building and my husband was working from home. I asked them, unabashedly, for help – with small and big things. They became my biggest support system. Fourth, I set my priorities in order. Babies over books over bylines. I wrote only when time permitted.
Despite that I became kind to myself and levelled the expectations of being a perfectionist and having it all, which was a huge load off. I realised that as long as my children are happy, I’m a great parent!
We have to remember that even the moon doesn’t have to be whole in order to shine, so let’s stop trying to be perfect women, perfect wives and mothers and daughters and sisters, let’s just embrace ourselves as fundamentally flawed humans who fail and fall every single day but get up again, because that’s the centrepiece of our human experience.
Keeping in mind your own situation, are you now trying to help others going through similar situations or state of mind? How are you doing it?
Through writing. Always through writing.
For example, I remember that when I announced my first pregnancy in 2017, I was told that I should prepare to be out of commission for at least five years. Being a heretic, I worked really hard to dispel such notions of patriarchy. Through the rigours of pregnancy and being a first-time nervous mother, I kept working. I published books, won awards, wrote articles, hosted shows and podcasts.
People began to call me a ‘superwoman’. I have to admit – for the sake of sisterhood – that it felt good to hear that. I was flattered. Women could have it all.
Then came the cautionary tale. I got pregnant again in 2018, but had a miscarriage. My doctor told me that my body had become weak because I was physically and mentally depleted. In a bid to be a good mother AND a good writer, I had stretched myself too thin. I had neglected the one thing I shouldn’t have: my health.
So, I stepped back. I cut down on social engagements, on watching the coolest new show on Netflix, I gave myself a break from writing books, and began to focus on myself. I stopped – as you’ve said – feeling guilty for feeling guilty. I made myself physically strong again, I became healthy, I found ways to sleep well, I was happy. I stopped being anybody else’s image of ‘perfect’. I learnt that family and work are a priority – yes – but I am also one, and I refuse to feel guilty about that.
And I wrote an article about my miscarriage to remove the silence and taboo surrounding it, so millions of other women who had suffered similarly could also feel encouraged to speak up and to stop feeling guilty that something they did caused a miscarriage.
But … frankly … how many of us do that? How many of us women can make ourselves a priority without feeling guilty? I know very few, but honestly, they’re the happiest. And happy women make happy families, happy societies, happy nations and a happy world. Let’s never forget that. We just need to speak up about it, because silence is the biggest perpetrator against women to force them to sit down and keep quiet.
Psychologists say journaling is a good way to vent. So, did you vent through your books, not just your own emotions but also those you saw around you?
I’ve had a journal since I was 10, so I’ve always taken to writing as therapy. The only change has been in writing in a diary to now writing on a laptop.
Journaling can be an effective way to vent emotions and a private outlet for processing difficult emotions and experiences. It provides a safe space to express thoughts and feelings without judgement.
It also allows us to clarify our emotions, gain perspective on challenging situations, and release pent-up tension. Additionally, it can aid in problem-solving and promote self-awareness. My journal knows more of my secrets than even my best friend. It’s a memory keeper. And I use it as a cathartic tool for emotional expression, therapy and, best of all, problem-solving.
All your books deal with love, human emotions, relationships and all these are very important for mental health and well-being. Did you find it cathartic to bring these characters to life?
Absolutely. For example, Boys Don’t Cry is my apology to my younger self. My unhinged self. My innocent, naïve, bholi self, who despite all the modernity, education, financial independence, short-changed her life for the sake of an idea of love, the notion of marriage, the outdated idea that women must lose themselves and cease to exist in the name of an institution that can clip their wings. Because sometimes our need to be loved is so strong that we choose it above the need to be right.
But remember, to brush the bloom, you have to tear the flower from its stem. You have to rub your mirror in order to polish it. So, don’t run away from the truth, run towards it. And that’s what writing does. Like you have to squeeze the margosa to get the benefit, you have to squeeze the truth to come to an understanding of your life.
Women are the last ones to seek therapy. Even the last ones to admit they have a problem. Your thoughts. Also do you think things are changing now?
I know an equal number of men and women seeking therapy, and proudly so, so I don’t believe it’s a gendered practice. The only gap I see is not enough women getting help in any form because we see it as a sign of weakness. Because we mistake tolerating pain as a sign of strength. DON’T. Don’t undermine your needs. Don’t annihilate yourself for someone else’s sake. Don’t make excuses for someone treating you badly. Don’t second-guess your gut feeling. Trust your instinct. Remember, women are not rehabilitation centres for badly-raised people.
I know because I was one for seven years. I finally left my abuser the night I launched my novel One & A Half Wife in Dubai in 2012. I had got my periods and he didn’t let me access my sanitary pads that were in his room. I could no longer deny that he was a barbarian. This was a small incident in the history of many incidents, but that clarity, which had been many years in the making, finally came to me. It was as if a veil had been lifted.
I could no longer lie to myself. I had known for a long time that he didn’t treat me right, but I finally realised that he would never treat me right. The abuse and mistreatment would continue until he had totally ruined me. After years of confusion and break-ups and reconciliation with my abuser, I left him. It wasn’t easy. I faced new problems and many issues. But none of them matched up to the abuse I had faced with him. He had made me strong enough to deal with anything that life threw my way. I was truly, as David Guetta would say, bulletproof. I was titanium. You are too.
So, don’t disrupt your own self or your state of mental health. Process the emotions you’re feeling in a calm and sensible way so your mental health does not get compromised. Find mindful ways of engaging with yourself. Nurture yourself the way you think you’re supposed to nurture others. That’s all that women should learn to do despite what society says. Prioritise their needs before prioritising everyone else’s needs.